Mencken Morality Test

H. L. Mencken never trusted anyone who appeared too moral. In fact, he distrusted morality itself—at least the kind paraded through pulpits, campaigns, and polite dinner parties. To Mencken, most moral behavior was less about virtue and more about vanity. People, he believed, don’t live by principles—they live by convenience, fear, and the need to appear respectable. The Mencken Morality Test is your invitation to step into this brutally honest worldview—and see just how much of it applies to you.

This isn’t a test of whether you’re a good person. That would be too easy—and too sentimental. Instead, it’s a look beneath the moral façade: the hidden motives behind your good deeds, the cynical calculations behind your moral judgments, and the quiet contradictions in your public values. Do you act out of real principle or simply because it looks better that way? Are you driven by conscience—or consequences?

For Mencken, even “conscience” was suspect. He once called it the "inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking." He had no patience for moral preening or utopian optimism. Whether he was taking aim at reformers, theologians, politicians, or suffragists, he believed all great moral causes eventually degenerated into exercises in control. Public morality, he argued, was just tribalism in better clothes.

This test picks up where Mencken left off, dragging your moral instincts into the daylight. It doesn’t ask whether you go to church, recycle, or donate to charity—it asks why. Why do you praise integrity? Why do you feel outrage? Why do you follow rules when you could break them? If morality is just strategy, are you a good strategist?

Of course, not every cynic is right, and not every idealist is a fool. You might find yourself standing with Mencken, sneering at the sanctimonious crowd. Or you might find yourself defending principle, truth, and decency, even when inconvenient. There’s room here for both the stoic realist and the sincere idealist. This isn’t a test that picks a side—it just wants to know if you’ve thought about yours.

You’ll answer 25 statements using a standard agreement scale, touching on topics like institutional trust, moral motivation, public virtue, and emotional honesty. Your responses will place you somewhere on a spectrum between idealism and cold realism, between genuine conviction and social strategy. And when you see your result, you might laugh, sigh, or smirk in recognition.

Whatever your outcome, remember: Mencken wasn’t trying to destroy morality—he just wanted to unmask it. He believed truth begins when sentiment ends. So take a breath, set aside your halo, and prepare to meet your moral reflection—warts, polish, and all.