Clarkson's Farm Test

This Clarkson's Farm personality test is inspired by psychometric methodology and based on research into the people in the series. The test provides feedback such as the following:

Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson is an ageing, contrarian showman recast as an anxious, surprisingly tender gentleman farmer. He throws himself into crop decisions, lambing, and pig breeding with a doggedness that viewers find both comic and moving. He bounces between bullish optimism and late-night dread over six-figure input costs or ruined harvests. On screen, he handles conflict through bluster and jokes, yet he backs down when confronted with expert reality. He instinctively pushes against red tape, railing at planners even as he complies. Motivated by ego, curiosity, and a growing sense of duty, he represents the mid-life reinvention that turns into a humbling lesson about limits.

Gerald Cooper

Gerald Cooper is the stoic craftsman and living piece of local history on the farm. A farmhand with over fifty years of experience, he is best known for his deep knowledge of dry stone walling and his famously thick West Country accent. He approaches his work with quiet, steady competence, rarely seeking the spotlight or engaging in the farm's frequent debates. While he faces the challenges of aging and health with a resilient, understated humor, he remains anchored by his lifelong connection to the land. For him, dignity is found in the consistent, unsung labor that keeps the farm’s heritage alive.

Lisa Hogan

Lisa Hogan is the grounded, sharp-witted partner who quietly transforms the farm’s chaotic energy into a functioning business. She manages the farm shop with a no-nonsense attitude, balancing Jeremy’s impulsive schemes with dry logic and gentle mockery. While she shares his frustration with bureaucratic hurdles, she focuses her efforts on practical solutions, from sourcing local stock to improvising creative ways to expand the pub. She acts as a vital emotional anchor, offering resilience and patience when the work becomes overwhelming. Lisa remains her own person, committed to the farm’s success while maintaining a steady, clear-eyed perspective on the realities of rural life.

Alan Townsend

Alan Townsend is the unflappable fixer whose diggers and know-how turn ambitious farm projects into reality. A builder with decades of experience, he is defined by his quiet competence, dry humor, and a relentless commitment to finishing the job. He handles pressure with a calm, matter-of-fact demeanor, often masking personal health struggles behind a focus on the task at hand. While he avoids confrontation, he remains firm when structural integrity or safety is at risk. He is motivated by pride in his craftsmanship and loyalty to his team, finding deep satisfaction in physical work that leaves a tangible mark on the land.

Kaleb Cooper

Kaleb Cooper is the blunt, young expert whose life has always been farming. He is the practical, hard-working contractor who treats the cameras as incidental to his real job of keeping the farm running. His defining behaviors include instantly calling out mistakes, rescuing tractors at all hours, and treating the land with a single-minded devotion. While he projects a confident, swaggering persona, he harbors a vulnerability regarding his future in an industry he fears he would be lost without. He is driven by pride in his competence and loyalty to his home, often using wry humor to mask his deeper anxieties.

Dilwyn Evans

Dilwyn Evans is the seasoned farm vet who balances deep professional expertise with a gentle, grounded bedside manner. He serves as a steadying influence on the farm, often acting as the voice of reason when plans go awry or livestock face health crises. His approach is defined by a farmer’s realism, as he understands that nature is unpredictable and that setbacks are often a matter of bad luck rather than personal failure. While he is highly skilled at managing complex medical situations, he remains humble and approachable. He prioritizes animal welfare above all else, offering calm guidance to those around him during moments of high stress.

Charlie Ireland

Charlie Ireland is the pragmatic strategist and grounded conscience of Diddly Squat Farm. As a professional land agent and agronomist, he serves as the essential, if sometimes sobering, voice of reason amidst the farm's ambitious and often chaotic projects. He balances a reserved, professional demeanor with a genuine, infectious commitment to the land's long-term viability. While he frequently delivers difficult news regarding budgets, regulations, and crop risks, he does so with calm diplomacy rather than confrontation. He remains deeply loyal to the team, using his analytical expertise to navigate complex bureaucratic hurdles while quietly ensuring that the farm survives its own unpredictable experiments.

Harriet Cowan

Harriet Cowan is the sharp-witted, modern contractor who balances physical labor with a bold, outspoken presence. Growing up on a family farm and working in community nursing, she brings a unique blend of empathy and grit to Diddly Squat. She is defined by her refusal to be intimidated by authority, often challenging Jeremy Clarkson with a mix of humor and technical expertise. While she embraces her digital influence, she remains grounded in the realities of farming, advocating for young women in the industry. She navigates the tension between her online persona and the muddy, demanding work of the land with refreshing, direct honesty.