By Jesse Gerroir and Ryan Smith
When talking about typology and theories of personality, I find it can be very easy to get caught up in the four letters signifying personality type or the varied definitions of the cognitive functions. It can be even harder to reconcile all the definitions and facts with how people actually behave in real life and what a certain function looks like when expressed or manifested in an individual. This is made even harder when most of the literature on Jungian typology tends to be rather dry or abstract.
To this end I would like to offer a perspective on INFJs. My aim is not to give a full overview of INFJs from a clinical abstracted standpoint; you can go read about that elsewhere, and to some extent I am assuming that you already have. This article is not 'a look' at INFJs, but another look, and hopefully I will mention some things which have not been covered elsewhere.
To begin, INFJs can be hard to spot at times. This is partially due to their secondary function, Extroverted Feeling, which makes them socially adaptable and chameleon-like. INFJs will often adapt to other people's needs and mirror their sentiments as well as their body language. They can easily be mistaken for other types as a result, but they generally come across as more of a feeling type than a thinking type.
Due to their chameleon-like adaptability, INFJs can come across as one of the most caring and charismatic types, and they can frequently be quite charming. Socially, INFJs are often apt at creating a mood of pleasure and comfort by unconsciously deflecting attention from themselves and focusing it on whomever they are talking to. They come across as understanding of your spirit, feeling your pain, and receptive to your moods.
The Sensuous INFJ
Some INFJs - I find males more so than females - carry themselves with a distinct sense of sensuality, which is imbued in their charm, probably because of their inferior Extroverted Sensation. Such INFJs can frequently seem both caring and emotionally sensitive while at the same time carrying an inherently sexual or physically seductive vibe. They can often be flirtatious in a subtle manner, or send seductive signals in the way they dress and the way they express themselves. Their attentive and enthusiastic stance, coupled with their somewhat free-spirited and nonjudgmental attitude, seems to convey an atmosphere of acceptance and merger - as if an erotic union could easily happen, almost as if "by itself."1
As I said, I have noticed that the sensuous INFJ seems to be noticeably more prevalent amongst male INFJs. For whatever reason, it seems that the siren call of inferior Extroverted Sensation has an easier time manifesting itself in a more sexually forward and promiscuous manner in males than in females. When the sensuous aspect of the INFJ manifests in females, they seem to come across as more caring and seductive, albeit in a more distinctly feminine way.
Paradoxically, most of the INFJs that I have met do not like the one-size-fits-all metric of traditional gender roles, and they positively shy away from the thought that people should be forced to play a certain role in society that violates how they really feel. They may even crusade against the establishment and in favor of greater freedom and social rights in this regard. It is not abnormal for them to wish to change society.
The odd thing is that, even as they are against the constraints of traditional gender roles, the INFJ cognition still seems to rely on these very roles, as they are handed down to INFJs through archetypes and cultural mores. INFJs are not like NTPs who struggle to make sense of arbitrary cultural customs through Ne and Ti. In intellectual matters, it is easy to focus on the INFJ as an Ni-Ti type. But in cultural and interpersonal matters, they are very much Fe types. Even if they do not agree with the existing social order (which most INFJs actually don't), they still inherit the prevalent cultural mores around them as a default.
The Playful Side of INFJs
Regardless of the specific way in which their charm and accommodating nature finds expression, both male and female INFJs fundamentally seek to harmonize themselves with those they interact with. When speaking to people about anything of a personal nature, they will often contribute small active listening remarks such as, "Oh, I'm so sorry for you," or, "That sounds wonderful," and maintain a very open and engaged demeanor with lots of eye contact and facial expressions mirroring the other person's emotional state. They are clearly present with the other person and not evaluating what is being said from the outside, which is one reason why others find it so easy to confide in them.
Non-neurotic INFJs are often somewhat playful when excited or when they feel really engaged with someone (a side of them which forms an unexpected contrast to the sage-like guru image which some INFJs also like to project). INFJs can come across as hyperactive and vividly expressive in such situations as their charisma readily fills the area around them with energy and enthusiasm. When engaged in this social-playful mode, INFJs can almost appear to have Extroverted Intuition as they bounce around being silly and playful. The main difference, however, is that with INFJs this excitement is very much an emotional excitement and not the true off-the-wall, kaleidoscopic perception of Ne types.
Socially, an INFJ's ability to sense the emotional and social energy of a room and to keep it flowing in the right direction is somewhat similar to the ENFJ's, except the INFJ tends to be a bit more muted in his approach (as he is an introvert after all). The INFJ will typically be a bit less forthcoming and typically take a few moments to develop a feel for the other people in the room and the spirit of the conversation before easing into it and beginning to interact. They are "slow starters" who will hang back and then slowly expand to fill the space of the conversation at just the right moment, whereas the ENFJ tends to be more energetic from the start and to just jump right in.
As far as I know, this overlooked side of the INFJ's sociability has hitherto not been described in the literature on Jungian type, though von Franz did come close when she talked about the introvert's ability to lighten up a party:
"An introvert, if he wakes up to his inferior extraversion, can spread a glow of life and make life in his surroundings a symbolic festival. ... He can give outer life a depth of symbolic meaning and a feeling of life as a magic feast." - Marie-Louise von Franz: Lectures on Jung's Typology Spring Publications 1984 ed. p. 20
Von Franz wasn't talking about the INFJ here, but about introverted types in general. However, I think her statement would have been more precise if she had been talking about INFJs specifically instead of the introverted types in general. For my own part, I have never seen this "symbolic gift of communion" in INTPs, for example. But it appears to be constitutive to the charm of an INFJ.
INFJs as Intellectuals
Unlike true extroverts, who will often mingle at gatherings, INFJs are more reserved and prefer to look for intensity and depth in just one conversation that they feel comfortable having.
If the INFJ's gregariousness and social graces can often cause an observer to mistake them for other types, it is this attenuation towards intensity and depth that gives them away as Introverted Intuitive types. Both INTJs and INFJs are introverted perceivers, primarily cognizing the world through Ni, which is often an almost metacognitive mode of perception (Psychological Types §657). But where an INTJ will typically focus on what is being said in a concrete and reductionistic fashion ("Does this statement make sense according to my already accepted framework of the world?") and will very quickly return with a statement of either acceptance or protest, the INFJ is rather attuned to the emotions and motives behind what is being said.
In this way, when an INFJ finds himself in a listening position, he is not so much attuned to the bare-boned descriptive truth of what is being said. Rather, he is attuned to how the other person feels, what he values, and why he was led to believe and value as he does – in short, to the other party's emotional worldview. One could say that the INTJ is more attuned to descriptive truth, while the INFJ is more attuned to normative truth.2
However, it is when INFJs are not in a listening mode – when the mental pursuits of an INFJ are not curbed by the specific emotional needs of the people around them – that the true intellectual pursuits of the INFJ are allowed to come out.3 By way of Introverted Intuition, they seek complexity in people, in their own thought, in ideas, problems, and feelings. Under solitary conditions, the Introverted Intuition of INFJs can bypass their Extroverted Feeling and couple with their tertiary Introverted Thinking instead. By way of their Ni-Ti axis, most INFJs tend to have academic or intellectual inclinations, even if they are not actual academics themselves.
As I mentioned earlier, all Introverted Intuition functions in a kind of metacognitive mode where the INJ wants to find the constitutive principles behind the emergent phenomena. Because of this cognitive tendency to abstract from what is actually there, the pursuits of INJ types are often regarded as slightly mystical. However, with regards to INTJs, the reductionism and natural interests of Te tend to mitigate this mysticism, so that INTJs appear as merely visionary (even though their ultimate inspiration is still "mystical" in the sense defined above). In the case of the INFJ, however, there is no Te to reduce the cognitive expansiveness and "mysticism" of Introverted Intuition, and as a consequence, INFJs' intellectual pursuits and fascinations tend to be somewhat eccentric and strange, stretching from everything to science proper to interest in paganism or different religions, dead and ancient languages, poetry, and the arts. They tend to have broad interests that on the surface seem somewhat unrelated or eclectic but which, to them, contain a wealth of Ni patterns that they have perceived.
This full-blooded intellectuality differentiates the INFJ from the ENFJ. ENFJs tend to be orientated towards relating the things they are talking about to some actual social circumstance, whereas the INFJ is more stimulated when the discussion becomes a composite between actual people or social topics on the one hand and timeless ideas on the other.
The interesting thing about this distinction is that it doesn't mean that the ENFJ is inept in intellectual matters. One of the most academically knowledgeable people I ever knew was an ENFJ, but he just didn't find it fascinating to really drill down and unfold his book knowledge unless he could relate it to either the specific people around him or to concrete social pursuits. This difference can be illustrated by the careers of Adler and Jung, since Adler actually had a lot of "Jung's" ideas before Jung, but didn't find it worthwhile to dedicate himself to the pursuit of them, the way Jung did.
The Conflicted INFJ
Another way to illustrate the uniquely composite nature of INFJs is that, while INTJs will often pursue their intellectual machinations in a solitary fashion, INFJs still tend to prefer to have to do with people, and they will often join clubs or communities that are centered around their pursuits.4 For example, when younger male INFJs develop an interest in board games or video games, they will often attend conventions and stay updated on what's happening in the community. They will wear shirts and other items of clothing with references to their choice of nerd culture and actively cultivate the different fandoms. They enjoy doing things communally.
Of course, the communal interest of INFJs need not be board games in any way. One INFJ I once knew saw himself developing a deep interest in Japan and all things Japanese. He dedicated himself to learning the history and language, the customs and culture of Japan, and he ended up joining an organization that promotes Japanese culture in the West. The subject matter was different, but the communal approach was the same. He even ended up wearing shirts with references to Japanese culture.
However, the communal approach can also cause internal conflict in the INFJ at times. For while they do like spending time with people and will often agree to attend events and gatherings, they can actually have a harder time saying no than they realize. They want to like people and be social, but they are not extroverts, and spending too much time with people can burn them out.
To recuperate from a case of social burnout, INFJs often need to become reclusive for a period of time in order to feel recharged again. Learning to stay within the limits of their social threshold can become a major issue for INFJs, and if they don't learn to draw the line, it can frequently lead to them feeling like they are losing themselves in others because they constantly feel obliged to accommodate them. In such situations, they feel like they are giving up too much of themselves or living solely for the sake of others.
When INFJs burn out in this manner, they often become angry or frustrated with everything external, which they feel is unlawfully encroaching upon them. It is in such situations that we tend to see the darker, more inconsiderate side of the INFJ, which is hardly ever described in the literature. Contrary to popular understanding, Feeling does not dictate that one always has to be kind and considerate. Feeling is not inherently good, but about judging on the basis of personal sentiment. If the person making the Feeling judgment is burned out or exhausted, that person's sentiments will be influenced accordingly. Unlike Thinking judgments, which must justify themselves in terms of principles or rationales, Feeling is capable of supplying the justification for some pretty inconsiderate behavior, simply because a certain demand or expectation is experienced as unfair.
With regards to INFJs, they rarely become downright angry (except with their closest intimates), but they often become somewhat manipulative or passive-aggressive as a result of their own burnout. They may play mind games, trying to get the other person to doubt himself and his motivations, or they may guilt trip others, trying to make it appear as if they are the self-sacrificing victim and the other party is the bad guy for holding entirely legitimate expectations of the INFJ. Considering how well most INFJs are able to read people, it has often struck me how poorly aware most INFJs are of their own darkness in this regard.
INFJs and the Centrality of People
Often the INFJ's problems with people and interpersonal matters have their root in how Ni and Fe align themselves in the psyche of the INFJ. Due to the people-centric nature of Fe, INFJs will often be inclined to perceive the world, and everything in it, as springing from people. To an INFJ, specific ideas will often be associated with particular people in their mind - a specific person who has feelings and an emotional identity, which are then tied up with the idea.5 This way of perceiving the world should be contrasted with that of INTJs, who tend to see thoughts and ideas as concepts that are separate from the emotional context and the people from which they sprung.
The people-centric way of viewing the world, which is the default outlook of INFJs, can lead to trouble where the INFJ can have a hard time asserting or communicating his own beliefs and expectations. Perhaps what is most frightening of all for the INFJ is to assert direct demands upon others, even if these demands are perfectly reasonable.
Ironically, though INFJs often have trouble asserting themselves in this manner, they nevertheless have strong ideas about how things should be. INFJs care deeply about people. Not just about the welfare of individuals, but often about the fate of their community and even of humanity as a whole. Due to the meaning-seeking and farsighted nature of Introverted Intuition, they're often concerned with where things are going on a grander scale. "What are we all moving towards as a society? What is the greater intention behind what we are doing right now? What values and considerations steer our progress for the long run?"
When INFJs have such vested interests in caring about social change and how people behave in society, they often feel very strongly about their commitment, and they can frequently feel exposed or become defensive when talking about it. To this end, INFJs will often equate expressions of conviction and feeling on a topic with support for that topic and can easily be led to think that someone is being deceptive, rude, or making fun of them, if the listener is not matching their expressivity even while they are technically in agreement. To this end, we see that though INFJs are often touted as "mystical" because of their silence and reticence, it is not always a connection to high-minded and numinous insights that underlies these specific behaviors – some of the time it is also a mode of self-defense against being thought odd or becoming an object of ridicule.
To give an example, I was once in a conversation with an INFJ who cared deeply about feminism and issues of gender equality in society. I was genuinely interested in knowing the outlines of her position, so I questioned her about it, all the while telling her that it was interesting to learn about her beliefs and that I was interested in knowing more about them because there is a wealth of positions within feminism, and the schools of thought can really vary. But even though I largely agreed with most of what she was saying, and told her so, she nevertheless became more and more defensive the further the conversation progressed. By the end of the conversation, it was clear that she wasn't enjoying the situation at all, and I felt that I was plowing around in a minefield, even though I was mostly agreeing with what she said. It was only afterwards when I reflected on the interaction that I realized that she had felt exposed and acted defensively because there had been little to no expression of emotion or conviction in my acknowledgements. Because I had failed to match her conviction and her expression of passion and just kept questioning her in a nondescript manner, she doubted both my intentions and my expressions of agreement. Later, when I asked her about it, she confirmed that it seemed to her like I didn't feel any conviction, that I was "testing" her, or possibly out to tease her. This episode led me to see that when INFJs feel strongly about a certain issue and other people don't, it can almost feel like a betrayal to them.
Another example of the difference in the perceived importance of ideas relative to people can be found in the contrast between Plato (INFJ) and Nietzsche (INTJ): While Plato seemed to believe that he must personally show himself to be above pride, anger, and self-indulgence in order to demonstrate the value of his philosophy, Nietzsche was quite content to use concepts like the Will to Power and Eternal Recurrence with only minimal reference to the thinkers who originally coined these terms.6 The most important thing to Nietzsche was that the concepts fit his own intellectual purposes. Likewise, Nietzsche was not afraid to openly indulge and celebrate the gratifications of his own inferior Extroverted Sensation. Nor was he afraid of being thought openly partisan or "unreasonable" – a prospect that mortified Plato.7 All in all, it would be hard to imagine Nietzsche choosing an epitaph for his tombstone that even remotely resembled Plato's:
Here lies a high-minded man famed for temperance
and moral virtue and the justice of his character.8
Thus we see that with Plato, it is the person and his character that provide an entry point into the realm of ideas. Our interest is supposed to be piqued by this man: Who was he, and why did he live so temperately and with such great virtue? Conversely, by Nietzsche's own understanding, it was his intellectual output that validated his person as ‘superior' and legalized his boastful mannerisms and self-indulgence.
In other words, with Plato, the people-centric outlook is revealed: It is a man's character that validates his ideas and arouses our interest in them. With Nietzsche, we see the concept-centered approach where it is the intellectual acumen of a man that makes him important as a person and which grants a relevancy to his character, making him more than merely human.
Expectations, Accommodation, and Anger
While INFJs are some of the most accepting people you will ever meet, they can also have very high expectations of the people that are close to them, and they can become intensely frustrated with others if they aren't acting in a way that the INFJ had expected or hoped for. The inner psychic conflicts of INFJs are thus exacerbated by the fact that INFJs like to accept and accommodate people on the one hand, and yet on the other hand harbor strong wishes for how everyone should ideally act and get along. To this end, there is a considerable paradoxical tension that curses the INFJ that sets out to interact closely with people: They strive to create a harmonious environment around them, but they frequently find that their expectations are at odds with how people actually are.
This tension leaves the INFJ in a perennial dilemma: Do you press for the realization of your own ideas and risk stepping on people's toes by confronting them with how you think they ought to be? Or do you hold your tongue and suppress your own ideas about how things should be in an attempt to accommodate others and make them feel good about themselves? Either way, this dilemma tends to cause a lot of internal conflict for INFJs as they feel strongly about their own aspirations for how things should be while at the same time trying to tend to people and accommodate them. Sometimes the internal conflict over such a predicament becomes so strong that the INFJ simply avoids a conflicted relation altogether for at time or withdraws into himself if he can get away with it.
When the preference for conflict avoidance is strong in INFJs, they often have an external locus of control where they do not ask for things directly or tell their partner exactly what they need. Instead, they'll state matters in a general and innocuous manner and expect the other person to pick up on the implied need that they are voicing. Most INFJs are unable to see anything abnormal or straining about such behavior because they are themselves quite excellent at recognizing and anticipating the needs of others.
As I mentioned earlier, most INFJs are torn between avoiding conflicts (by accommodation) and asserting their own ideas about how things should be (by standing by their expectations and upholding them). Ideally, there should be a balance between the two modes in their lives. If the conflict avoidance mode becomes too strong, it can lead to seriously unhealthy problems for INFJs where they blame almost anything external – outside circumstances, people, and events – for their own shortcomings. In such circumstances, they can become pretty visibly angry and explosive and almost downright enraged at people. When such rage pours through, it is frequently the result of a long build-up of passive-aggression, which the INFJ has typically not been aware of himself. But when it finally pours through, the INFJ may often semiconsciously feel like it is the other person's fault for having failed to notice their needs and expectations and that they are therefore justified in being extremely disrespectful towards them.
In such situations, the INFJ's anger can become explosive, or they may react out of proportion with what is warranted because they feel like it is the other person who is forcing them to be confrontational, which they really don't like to be (in fact, they may feel that it is demeaning to be forced into a confrontation like this). But in reality, more often than not, they are really blaming the other person for their own anger and for their failure to address their own dissatisfaction with the overall situation in time. The problem is really their own, and such INFJs should have learned to be more assertive about their own views and needs instead of hoping that interpersonal problems could simply be whisked away by accommodation.
INFJs who tend towards accommodation would be better off if they learned to confront others and communicate their needs more overtly and with more regularity. If they did, they would also be able to avoid the build-up of passive-aggression and frustration that leads to explosive episodes. If they learned to communicate their needs to others more assertively, they would learn that not all confrontation is bad and that some conflict is necessary for a relationship to thrive and be healthy in the long run. Luckily, this lesson is also one that most mature INFJs have learned.
Developing Tertiary Ti
It is generally the development of Introverted Thinking that helps INFJs to reason out these internal conflicts and which sets them on a path to handle conflicts maturely. What to do when people aren't living up to your altruistic standards. What to do when people seem to be taking advantage of you, or seem to be taking your kindness for granted. What to do when an intimate relation just isn't working. Thinking helps in all of these situations, because Introverted Thinking helps the INFJ mull over the situation and sort out and analyze exactly what is going on and why: To come to a logical conclusion about the matter and what to do about it and to arrive at that conclusion in a detached and logical manner rather than letting the internal conflict build up and pour out in a manner that the INFJ has only poor control over.
It can take INFJs some time to really develop their thinking in this manner, partially because, as Ni types, INFJs can willfully ignore reality and suppress Se when they get caught up in or entranced by some archetypal intuition that is so filled with feeling that it sweeps them up and carries them along.
INTJs also can suffer from "Ni obsession" in a similar manner where they'll become intellectually gripped by some developing intuition. However, INTJs tend to be more ‘mechanical' in their intuitions, which will usually be of a sort that is looking to bring its bearing upon the world.
INFJ intuitions, on the other hand, tend to be wrapped up in people. Sometimes they will discover insights about themselves and the nature of the world through other people and see these other people as the bearers of these insights or the catalysts that drove them to such an insight or personal change.
In INTJs, the catalyst, when it is emotional, tends to be a rather primitive emotion that is ‘frozen' and not embodied in a living person. So as to ground the emotionality in some way, INTJs can sometimes develop a really passionate relationship to a painting, picture, or piece of music which they use as a catalyst in order to interact with their own feeling side (Fi). But for the INFJs, the archetypical and emotional content that they experience tends to hinge on people.
Because people are so central to their ontology, the reliance can sometimes cause the INFJ to see people with rose-tinted glasses on. They'll enter a state where they get completely wrapped up in trying to change the other person in accordance with how they see them instead of just seeing them for what they are. In such cases, they can desperately try to change the fundamental nature of the other person because they confuse their intuitive ideals with reality, and they can easily end up pursuing some grand romanticized plan.
It can take INFJs a while to come to terms with reality, and when they do, it is typically a very abrupt wake-up call. A raw realization that the world is unpredictable, that people do all kinds of irregular, sometimes horrible things, and that everything around them is fragmentary in nature. It is this realization, however, that can lead them to truly make a difference in the world and in people's lives. It is then that they really begin to realize the true plight of other people and that they can begin to help them grow in their own way, rather than in accordance with how the INFJ thinks that they ideally should grow. It is this process that leads them to become truly soulful people and which affirms them as therapeutic guides and makes them extraordinary therapists and spiritual or emotional healers.
Notes
- In my experience, sexualized "pickup artist" INFJ males seem to kind of be the real thing most other pickup artists try to aspire to. Pickup artistry (PUA) refers to bedding as many women as possible without having to expend a lot of effort on dating or stable relationships. With pickup artists, in order to get to the end goal of sex, the INFJ pickup artist has the distinct advantage of seeming genuine and emotionally excited to get to know the woman, whereas with other types of pickup artists, it is usually more obvious that they are employing a deliberate strategy in order to push for sex. Also, when it comes to "the morning after", the INFJ pickup artist will usually have an advantage as well: To the extent that expressions of commitment, or responsibility for their actions and demeanor during "the night before", come up, these male INFJs will usually employ a sophisticated behavior of passive-aggression where they disown their own agency and psychologically confuse the woman out of the confrontation to commit. Alternatively, another favored strategy on the part of the INFJ pickup artist is to try and make it seem as if the woman is really too good for them, or even to make some grand appeal to "life, the universe, and everything." In such cases, they will often talk about how sometimes certain people come into your life to teach you a lesson and that it has all been a kind of learning experience or opportunity for growth. A psychologist would probably say that such INFJs externalize the agency for their actions.
- People who are focused on descriptive truth and who know the INFJ intimately may notice that the INFJ will sometimes contradict themselves in first appearing sympathetic towards one viewpoint with one person and later appearing sympathetic towards the opposite viewpoint with another person. This happens, not because INFJs are not opinionated people (they typically are), but because they get so carried away in the course of harmonizing with others that they may not remember to consult their own true viewpoint (Ti) and make a point of representing it, as they concentrate on mirroring the other person's emotional state instead.
- Perhaps this is one reason why Jung was so zealous about exposing himself to prolonged periods of solitude in his Tower in Bollingen. Jung was clearly an intellectual, but as the compilation of interviews and encounters published as C.G. Jung Speaking shows, his intellectual side was curbed by the presence of people whom he perceived as being in need of entertainment and empathy.
- Nietzsche wrote: "I only attack causes against which I would not find allies, so that I stand alone." (Nietzsche: Ecce Homo: Why I Am So Wise §7)
- This mechanism also works the other way around, and so people's thoughts and ideas are often seen by the INFJ as a vital part of their emotional identity and who they are.
- Diogenes Laertius: Lives of the Eminent Philosophers §3.37
- Besides partisan, Nietzsche's intellectual style has also been characterized as vehement, polemical, and value-laden. Of course, by Nietzsche's own argument, there is no such thing as dispassionate and fair-minded argument – such attempts are really just polemics that disguise their own partisan nature in an attempt to appear reasonable.
- Diogenes Laertius: Lives of the Eminent Philosophers §3.43
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Another Look at INFJ © Jesse Gerroir and IDR Labs International 2014.
Cover art especially commissioned for this publication from artist Will Rosales.
Image in the article commissioned for this publication from artist Darwin Cen.